The Amish Jihadist

In an unprecedented response to gay rights advocates, Chick-fil-A is refusing to serve gay chickens to its largely heterosexual Christian clientele. When asked why they were refusing to debeak and massacre countless little baby chicks, who happen to share an attraction for one another, a Chick-fil-A representative claimed that it is “not in God’s plan for humans to have to digest gay chickens. What if some of that gayness doesn’t pass through the body? Where does it go? Since you are what you eat, well . . . that’s just a scary thought. Look,” the Chick-fil-A representative sincerely stated, “we just want to protect our beloved customers from the possible ill side effects of eating these hormone-injected, and gay, chickens.”

When local Bowling Green resident Ernest B. Tass was asked for his thoughts on not being able to partake of a juicy plump gay chicken breast, Ernest said, “Hell naw, I ain’t eaten’ no queer chicken! They need to just keep that to themselves. What with all them diseases they got.” Defending his position he continued, “I mean, look ya’ll, it ain’t that I’m homo-uh-uh-mobic, or whatever. I just don’t want to eat no chicken that likes guy on guy action. That just ain’t right.”

When informed that a male chicken is a rooster, and that the chickens one eats at Chick-fil-A are, by definition, female, Ernest began to equivocate. “Well, now, you didn’t say nothing ’bout no lady chickens. I mean, I ain’t really got no problem with that.” Getting rather excited he exclaimed, “Hell, I say you gotta video that action then deep fry them sons-of-bitches!! Woo-woo!”

LGBT chicken communities were, initially, livid with the largest chicken killer in the Southeast’s refusal to cook and serve gay chickens–until they realized it meant they no longer had to be eaten by, primarily, lower to middle class corpulent Caucasians who actually enjoy the mawkish music played in Chick-fil-A restaurants.

“How do humans tolerate that crap?” asked one transgendered chicken. “If I were a chicken in that restaurant, I would jump in the pan just to end the misery.”

Music preferences aside, many LGBT chickens see this as the first step to the realization of Peter Singer’s goal for animal rights. “At first,” claimed one unnamed pioneer for gay chicken rights, “we were all a bit shocked by the news, but now we are relieved. Who would have imagined that their homophobia would turn out to be such a blessing? We are now in the planning stages of trying to convince Burger King and McDonald’s to cease the slaughter of gay and lesbian cows and pigs.”

When asked what they thought about the possibility of straight chickens pretending to be gay in order to avoid human consumption one chicken said, “Well, wouldn’t you pretend to be gay to save your neck?”

Custodians of public opinion will surely be debating this question for years to come.