“Get Well Soon, NRA!”-Sincerely, The Amish Jihadist

How would you like to be declared, quite formally mind you, an enemy of the NRA? Well, if so, you’ll be in good company. Right now, the list includes: the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the National Association of Police Organizations, the AARP, the Children’s Defense Fund, the American Firearms Association, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, the United Methodist Church, the National Spinal Cord Injury Association, the American Bar Association, the National Association of School Safety and Law Enforcement Officers, and Hallmark Cards.

This big gun makes me feel like such a man. I can't wait to lead the Hebrews out of Egyptian slavery with it.

This big gun makes me feel like such a man. I can’t wait to lead the Hebrews out of Egyptian slavery with it.

That’s right.

Hallmark.

I think they’re sick of making cards saying, ‘You’ve been shot? Again? Oh well. Long live freedom!’

Here’s the full list. (Note, the link I had–which was directly from their site–is now defunct. I had to find the list off an older, secondary site because the NRA took theirs down in the last two days . . . I wonder why?)

As for me, apparently I have “grossly overestimated’ my importance (so says Charlie Collier, editor extraordinaire at Wipf & Stock Books–thanks, Chuck) because I’m sad I’m not on the list. So, a big shout-out to Charlie and the NRA for bringing me down a notch. I seriously have to rectify this though, like, right now. So, I’m going to send them a copy of  ‘A Faith Not Worth Fighting For’. Being the good American Jesus-loving, gun fetishists they are, I bet they’ll appreciate the sentiment. The rest of you, all thirteen of you (wait, Professor Karr, are you still there?), do what you can do to make the list. Send them some good Christian pacifist literature. Or, anarchist pacifist literature. Or, ‘your penis will still function even without a gun’ literature. Or, you know, just a hallmark card wishing them well.

That’s the least we can do for an organization that has so much going against it. Poor oppressed assault weapons-wielding gun owners.

Further Reading:
  • Greg

    And ‘blammo’.

  • Greg

    Seriously though, how awesome would it have been if, instead of Heston, Jack Tripper would have been the face of the NRA?

  • Prof. Heston-Karr, M.D.

    A gun only has one purpose and was invented for only one reason: to make an act of violence easier. However, there’s far more to fear than guns. In 2012, there were over 400 deaths in the Middle East from car bombs. So unfortunately, guns are just a symptom. Guns or no guns, we’re a violent culture, and that’s the problem.

    Also, the NRA needs to change their name to the Nat’l Assault-Rifleman’s Assoc, and admit that today’s conversation is completely different than the one we were having when the 2nd Amendment was written.

    I’m surprised how insanely pissed my pro-gun friends are about the whole thing. Out of their minds pissed. I’m a pacifist, and to me, the whole debate is a misguided distraction.

    - xoxox

    • theamishjihadist

      I love the learning that comes apprenticing myself to Prof. Heston-Karr, M.D. It just makes this universe bearable.

  • Tobias Winright

    Saint Louis University is on the list!

    • theamishjihadist

      Look at you Catholics being some kind of awesome!

  • Jesse Turri

    LOLZ!! Thank you for this post Tripp. Keep on rockin’ in the free world!

    • theamishjihadist

      It’s all I can do, Jesse. It’s all I can do.

  • betterbegood

    I’m fully expecting a “Jesus is my Valentine” post from you. Make it sexy. Make it steamy. Don’t let me down

    • theamishjihadist

      betterbegood,

      Next year, you’re going to get the hottest, sexiest, steamiest ‘Jesus is my lover’ post you’ve ever read. Bring tissue. Lots of it. You know, for, the, um . . . tears that it will elicit from your tear glands…