Stanley Hauerwas, Gilbert T. Rowe Professor of Christian Ethics at Duke University, is an ex-bricklayer, lover of four-letter words, author of the recent memoir Hannah’s Child, and was named “America’s Best Theologian” by Time Magazine in 2001–which proves that the people at Time never actually bothered to read Stanley. Silly journalists.

I've always wondered if that was Gabe Kotter in the Mennonite poster he's holding.

Hauerwas has published an embarrassing amount of books and articles (seriously, what do you academics who don’t publish do with all of your time?–it’s baffling), and was even interviewed by Oprah Winfrey (despite Jerry Springer being a more obvious candidate). My only real regret in this interview is that I could not break the parameters of “Five Questions” by asking a sixth: “Did you really call Beverly Harrison ‘Satan’?”

God, I hope so.

Regardless, here is a very brief Five Questions with Stanley Hauerwas.

1) Gun to your head scenario (since you are a pacifist this hypothetical nonsense should be nothing new): Catholicism or Anabaptism?

Catholicism. It’s been around longer and has far more crazies in it to read.

2) Who curses more: sailors, ex-bricklayers, or ex-bricklayers who are now Christian ethicists?

I’m told sailors curse more.

3) Who is your favorite heretic?

Donatus. At least he believed in holiness.

4) If you had to speculate at who has the best chance of eternal communion with God, who would it be: Joseph Fletcher, Reinhold Niebuhr, or Roger Clemens?

Reinhold Niebhur . . . because God loves assholes. (Editor’s note: please refer to question #2.)

5) Will people still be reading your work in 100 years?

Hopefully people will be reading John Howard Yoder.